Reconnecting With My Intention

I have recently found myself returning to my yoga practices. I say this confidently, in that I have been 3-4 times a week for the last two months, having not been at all since pre-Covid times. Despite the fact that I still cannot balance on one foot, let alone do a headstand, I do still have much of the muscle memory (from years ago) and am deluded into thinking that I will soon be able to challenge my mind and body even further. One concept of yoga practice that I have fully embraced is that of setting an intention. An intention is something recognised as the practice of bringing awareness to a quality or virtue that one would like to cultivate, nurture, develop in the practice coming up. I had forgotten this important part of yoga teachings and it immediately resonated with me. Not least because I feel that my intention in recent years, in many parts of my working life has been lost. Something that I will explore in future blog posts, I am sure.

Now, this is not meant as some kind of deep and meaningful, existential diatribe to motivate myself into getting a new job opportunity (Although, if truth be told, I need a job and not least because when I am not trying to master my vinyasa I am watching too much Netflix or those really cheesy Channel 5 movies - a niche pleasure). In reality, many of us find ourselves running on the treadmill of the day job (as I constantly found myself) and not finding the time to necessarily be the person that we want to be in work place because we are constantly doing valuable tasks. All the time just doing...... "stuff". All relevant, I am sure, and all important projects, meetings, conversations, emails, TEAMS chats that build our profiles in the company in which we work, striving to make a difference for whatever reason we have on that day.

But when the opportunity is there to reassess and to question ourselves as to why we do things we do, why we do all this "stuff", it is important to revisit our intentions. This is something that I have spent a lot of valuable time considering recently. Not just my intentions as they were at the start of each and every day, but also when I first entered the Pharmaceutical Industry. Am I the person I wanted to be nearly 25 years ago, when I first leapt on the Pharma hamster wheel?

"women don't wear trouser suits in this Industry"

Am I the same person who, on that very first day, was 6 hours late for the Initial Training Course for the large Pharma I had joined (Traffic chaos on the M25 outside London, somethings have not changed)? Am I still the feisty, opinionated person who completely ignored the advice given to me in week one - to not wear trousers, "women don't wear trouser suits in this Industry". Have I achieved what I wanted? Have I had the impact that I wanted to have? Have I really changed anyone's life for the better, by doing the jobs, projects, meetings, conversations, emails, TEAMS chats.

The answer to these questions is, honestly, I don't know. I might never know. But now I have the opportunity to really address some of these questions. I am able to state my intention of who I want to be and make an impact in the wider sphere of the Pharmaceutical Industry, sharing the knowledge, experience and passion that I have.

Cut out the chitter chatter

But for now: back to the yoga practices. It's hard. Really hard. Hotpod Yoga (https://hotpodyoga.com) has classes in 38 degree heat. It's hot. Really hot. But for me, that is not the real struggle. The biggest daily challenge, for the 60 minutes that I am in the pod with several other people, all with their own reasons for being there, is to cut out the chitter chatter. Even with the best of intentions it is hard to give myself (ourselves) permission to take the time to focus on our own goals and really be at one with our minds and bodies.

The direction from the instructor is always to do what you can, listen to our bodies and do what we need to do on that day. To focus, to cut out the noise, to focus on our breathing and really achieve what we need to for the 60 minutes we have devoted to ourselves. This is our time that we are gifting ourselves and we should respect that. So why do I find it so hard to let things go, to give myself permission to have joy in my mind, to listen to my body and to do what I can and reap the mental and physical benefits.

Even with the best of intentions, setting my own agenda for the class, I find my mind wandering, almost within seconds of starting the focus on my breath. Should I apply for that job, how should I word my resume, who in my network should I contact for employment opportunities, who owes me a favour after all these years, do I want to work for myself and be a Consultant - a consultant of what(?), when will Love Actually be available to watch for free on some streaming channel or other, did I wash the PE kit for school, did I put the dog guard at the bottom of the stairs! And this is just within the first 45 seconds. How do I stop this chitter chatter? When will it stop?

The voice in my head will always be there - I need to learn to silence it, so that I can move forward. Focus is the one thing I need to, well, focus on. I need to give myself permission right now to allow myself to continue to heal, to be kind to myself, to focus on the things in my life that bring me joy - of which there is an endless supply input. If I do this, then the clarity will come and the next step in my career will be open.

I don't know what the future holds, where I want to go or who I want to engage along the way. I do know that I have stated my intention to myself and that is: to be empowered and proud of what I have achieved so far in my career, holding my core values at the heart of what I do. I am not afraid to take this next step in my career, in fact, I am liberated.

And my daily intention, affirmation, manifestation, call it what you will is to remind myself that: I am good. I am kind. I am strong. At least for the time being, I will concentrate on reducing the chitter chatter - the headstand can come another day!